I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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