he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
