I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
