Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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