So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
a search helicopter?!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
