dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
