I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
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My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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