I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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