dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
