i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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