Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
