took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
