If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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