guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
