Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
