is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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