maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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