When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
