We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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