end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
