I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize