i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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