highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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