As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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