I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
