a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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