I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
