i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
