ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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