I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
