Moan for me like Helen Keller
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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