The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
