she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
