Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
