He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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