Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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