PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
