So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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