I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
