How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
