they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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