Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
