Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
