Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
