So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
