You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
