Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
