ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
zippers are such a cool invention
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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