I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
