I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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