I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
