you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
