Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
