My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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