Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
