Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
