just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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