We need to rekindle our bromance
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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