Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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